1. Corvo Atano

Likeness: 2/10 – a hideous abomination closer depicting a sad, mechanised Voldemort.
Position: GK

An excellent shotstopper, owed to the fact he can stop time. The ability to summon plague rats can also put opposing strikers off.

2. Jesse Pinkman

Likeness: 10/10 – an uncanny resemblance of Cap’n Cook himself. Bitch.
Position: left back

Former incompetent meth producer turned nippy wing back. Loves magnets.

3. Dr Who

Likeness: 6/10 – appears to be crying blood, resulting from a botched regeneration
Position: central defender

Profile: Played for Leicester City, Nothampton Town and Nottingham Forest’s youth teams. Also, has use of a Tardis.

23. Creeper

Likeness: 8/10 – somehow more sinister than a real creeper; looks like most cosplayers.
Position: central defender

Very aggressive, amd liable to explode if provoked. Learned his trade at Stoke City.

6. Martin Walker

SPOILERS

Likeness: 7/10 – Doesn’t wash.
Position: right back

Completely out of control, devoid of morality and a husk of a human being. Club captain. See: Kevin Muscat.