I’m a big fan of games that give you choice. Most of the time though, this is not the case. Occasionally a game will force you into the role of a hero so annoyingly foolish, stubborn or single minded that it just makes you want to hurl your monitor out the window. Here’s a quick summary of the ten heroes you’ll need to make sure you avoid/ignore during your day to day gaming. Let’s get our dunce hats ready…
There’s just something weird about his suspended hands. I feel bad saying this, as it’s not really Rayman’s fault (I think,) but it just ain’t right. The fact that his companions act so nonchalantly about the whole thing also says something about the world he lives in. Then there’s his facial expression. He just looks so gormless on the front cover for the original Rayman. It was always quite off-putting seeing that half-witted expression glaring back at me in my youth. Sort it out Rayman
9. Crash Bandicoot
There’s no doubt that Crash is pretty dumb but, unlike a lot of the entrants in this list, at least he’s dumb in a fairly endearing way. He sort of has that underdog thing going on due to his lack of brainpower. At least, unlike his nemesis Dr. Cortex, Crash has a reasonably sized head. He still needs to be on the list for his rather blank and slow-witted nature, but we love the old boy for it. Shame he hasn’t been particularly relevant within gaming as of late.
8. Duke Nukem
Another hero who is definitely a moron, but in the best way possible. Duke chats a lot of crap but there is no doubt that it is extremely amusing banter. If Duke were clever, the game just wouldn’t have the same dialogue we know and love. There’s nothing quite like some Nukem jibber-jabber, but his pig headed misogyny lands him a place on this list regardless.
Considering the amount of ridiculously tough puzzles Abe clears over the course of his adventures, you’d be inclined to think he was a regular whizz-kid. Well, you’d be wrong. Let’s just break this down for a moment. Abe has eight key interactions you can perform in the game. Of those eight, one of them is a fart. That means that 12.5% of Abe’s interactions with others revolve around his own flatulence. Either this guy’s just a complete prick, or he’s a dumb-ass; and something gives me the feeling he’s the latter.