4. 343 Guilty spark – Halo franchise
Give Apple another ten years and they’ll have come up with some kind of organizational and multimedia device that looks exactly like 343 Guilty Spark. The first time we see him in Halo: Combat Evolved he is an ally, but I still despised his metallic ass for leading us through the most repetitive level to ever grace FPS history. After the level-based fiasco that was The Library, I was delighted when I could kick his ass at the end of Halo 3. Despite my desire to silence his annoying voice once and for all, it was a disappointing boss fight and I honestly didn’t expect any less considering how he looks.
3. Kuja – Final Fantasy 9
At least one more JRPG villain had to make this list on account of the sheer abundance of bizarre styles that all the characters sport. For every spiky haired protagonist we see in any single JRPG, there are bound to be a handful of odd looking bosses. Kuja seems like a good place to start, as he had to be the most effeminate looking bad guy ever. Admittedly, he does some pretty evil stuff throughout the game and is certainly a worthy final boss, yet there is no denying his unimposing appearance. Put away the make up and maybe we’ll take you more seriously from the beginning.
2. Necron – Final Fantasy 9
Ok, so I just said about Kuja being the last boss in Final Fantasy 9. That was actually a total lie as, unfortunately, that esteemed title is left up to this guy. Necron defines everything I hate about bosses in games. Having chased Kuja down throughout the whole game and defeated him, this guy just shows up out of nowhere and is apparently meant to be the true enemy. It makes no sense whatsoever. There are literally hundreds of essays available online written by fans who attempt to justify the narrative importance/sense of Necron as the final boss of FF9. Sadly, like most fan written essays on gaming, it is all complete crap. There is no excuse for his random entrance to the game’s conclusion, just like there is no excuse for his appearance. It’s just all over the place. It’s almost like they passed a hat round the office and got people to suggest stuff they thought would cool on a final boss. Yet they decided to use all of the ideas, meaning they got the worst of both worlds. Necron wasn’t quite a game ruining final boss, but he came damn close.
1. Birdo – Mario franchise
You probably saw this one coming a mile off. Birdo is seen to many as just another subsidiary character in the Mario franchise who shows up in the occasional Mario Kart title, yet s/he began life as an enemy in Super Mario Bros. 2. Described in the manual as “a man who believes that he is a girl, and would rather be referred to as “Birdetta”. This supposed cross dressing fetish was removed from any subsequent manual description of the character, but the nightmares will never go away regardless. Complete with pink skin, a little bow on her/his head and a gaping mouth, Birdo is just a mess of Freudian imagery who is capable of striking fear into the hearts of all. In that way s/he is a superb villain, but a stupid looking one none the less.
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